My life is the extended, uncut version of Office Space

I am stealing this extended uncut idea from a friend- kudos to her.
For the past 5 years, my life resembles Office Space for many reasons including these:

Most days the most productive thing I do is surf the Internet
I've come to realize that it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care
Someone just stole my (no joke) red swingline stapler
I say often,...ya, I'm going to have to get back to you on that
A better title for me instead of the highly regarded Assistant, Jackson Campus (were they serious when they came up with this? who has a comma in a title?) would be office grunt or the lowest living life form in the office and consequently must answer phone
I have an on-going case of the Mondays
I've been missing a lot of work lately. Well, I wouldn't exactly say I was missing it.
I generally come in at least 15 minutes late, I use the side door so no one sees me, and after that I sorta space out for about an hour, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working.
I have come to realize that it is not about me and my dream of doing nothing,... it's about all of us.
Often I do nothing, absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it would be.